Have you ever had a really bad day? Then next thing you know, a stranger makes things worse because they don’t know you’re having a bad day? I recently read a post that went similar to this:
“I was driving behind a car that had a student driver sticker on the bumper. I was very patient with this person and gave them space, accepting their speed and such. Then it dawned on me, that had the sticker not been there, I probably wouldn’t have been so forgiving. You don’t know what a person is going through … what if they just found out they had cancer, lost a parent, or their job? Be kind and considerate to everyone you meet, you don’t know what their days been like”
Mind you, this isn’t the exact posting, just paraphrasing. But it hit home, especially today. Inside, I’m dying a little bit. I remember two years ago, my dad showing up to the hospital. Crying without ceasing. Never knowing if I’d feel complete again. I lost the baby we so desperately wanted and loved already. There are times I feel bad about my guilt/sadness. I didn’t get to feel Oliver moving around, we had seen his heartbeat but couldn’t see more then a little blob on the screen, and I didn’t get to hold him either. I don’t even know if it was a boy officially, just what my heart tells me. But I know my loss is real, and it hurts just the same.
I panic when Boogie chokes a bit on some water, or if Captain doesn’t answer my call, because I know I may not survive another loss. Being pregnant again, I constantly think our Tri-baby is in danger, but really (s)he is fine. Living like this isn’t healthy, but miscarriage is real and leaves a permanent scar on people, and I was fragile enough.
I have learned so much from Oliver leaving, though. I found I had true faith in God, that I didn’t blame him for the way things turned out but learned to use my story to help others. I lean on people easier then I did before Aug 31, 2016. I learned that 1:4 women will experience a miscarriage/still birth/infant death, but no one talks about it. I share with everyone that I have three kids, and a fourth on the way: One in heaven, one of my womb, one from another, and one on their way. I won’t forget my Olly-Pop, not ever.
One way I help ease my mind is with butterflies. We released over 60 butterflies at our wedding as a Native American tradition: if you whisper words of love and wishes, the butterflies will fly to heaven and tell those you’ve lost. As far as we know, Oliver was already gone by the time we got married, and I truly believe we chose to release butterflies for him. Now I have at least one butterfly around me, daily, and we know it is Oliver coming to say hello. Captain sees them all the time too. We talk to him, tell him we love him and to protect his little brother, before he’s off again ❤
Today is Oliver’s birthday. The day he came into the world, unable to be held by mama or daddy. He has a grave, and had a funeral. It helped with our grieving. But we know that Oliver isn’t alone. Captain’s older brother passed away before Capt was born, but today is his birthday too. So if you have the chance, sing happy birthday to Oliver and Andrew. We miss them so much.